[ A good question he nonetheless resents being asked. The truce with Philippa curdled his ambition. The angle of placating Michael felt at many times like no angle — just existing, plain and simple. A state of being incompatible with Terran life, despite their complete dominance. Unpalatable without a frisson of mortal danger, Pippa's signature scent. ]
A shift in the stalemate. [ he decides. Grand is what she expects from him, and it's less pathetic than attempting to share grief with her. She's right: They aren't vulnerable with each other. It's distasteful to both of them. ] But that's something we'd both have to want.
[ That shift could veer in any direction. He hasn't considered that the stalemate may be the only state in which they can exist together.
She inhales deeply, gathering her frazzled energy into some semblance of composure. A long sip from her nearly forgotten wine glass stretches the tense silence. ]
You think it's only because of you that this is difficult for me. [ A slow, miserable shake of her head. ] Ask me what happened the last time I tried this.
[ Ankle-deep in Michael's trap here, he nonetheless doesn't believe she set it deliberately. She's a victim of it herself, though he won't go as far as to extend her sympathy. She doesn't toy with him deliberately, not like this.
So he'll bite. ]
What happened? [ A dry cant of his head, a rise of curiosity in his flat affect. ]
[ They can't go anywhere, in any direction, if neither is willing to budge. Inviting Lorca to ask about this is Michael realizing that she will have to make the first move this time. This impasse demands surrender, and she is the only one willing to fillet herself open and expose her soft insides. ]
I had never been in love before Ash. [ Her eyes want to cast down, to stare at her hands or the inside of her glass. She forces her gaze to remain trained on Lorca. ] I leaned on him most when we were over there. In your universe. I hoped that we would keep each other sane. [ A bitter flinch of a smile, there and gone. ] The Klingons wanted to infiltrate Discovery. It was a radical procedure, the first of its kind. Klingon bones shaved down to human size. The face and psyche of a Starfleet prisoner-of-war grafted on to a Klingon host.
[ She watches his face closely, waiting for any sign that her words have sunken in. ]
[ Hell of an opener. Lorca takes a long, measured breath. There's plenty here and now to stoke his displeasure. Tyler's misuse of the chance Lorca gave him will not be granted a seat at the table. From the brittle quality her expression takes on, it would be premature and uninformed.
He braces at the pivot to Klingons. Tyler's trauma rearing its head, he assumes wrongly. The turn she takes pleats his brow; the terminus threatens to fascinate and nonplus him. The mechanics of it have the potential to impress. But it's the emotion that she's trying to communicate. He feels it, intrinsically.
Righteousness, unadorned. Far from the light of Federation idealism.
[ Michael shuts her eyes tightly. The movement flushes out a single tear, trailing quickly down her cheek. She would have vastly preferred not to revisit this memory, but it had become unavoidable. He can't grasp her reticence without proper context.
She wipes her tears away and opens her eyes again. ]
He tried to kill me. It was — [ The moment flashes aggressively before her eyes. She feels the hand around her neck as if it never left. Weeks ago, she forgave Lorca immediately when they woke together without the benefit of memory. ] — it left a mark. When we returned to my universe, the Klingon was excised. But I couldn't get past it.
[ She makes eye contact here, imploring Lorca to understand what she means. ] I never gave him a second chance.
[ A man with two faces. Lorca nods, laboring to put himself aside. He's spent a lifetime doing it, sublimating his pride to protect his inalienable self: His ambition. As dense as a black hole, as vast as galaxies and as intangible as the space between. He's only ever seen it reflected back at him in the gleam of Emperor's gilt, and in the teardrop on Michael's cheek.
He's known it all along. It occurs to him suddenly what it really means. ]
You're afraid.
[ Bemusement clings to the pinch of his nose. There's an undertone of disbelief to his voice, a question posed without a question mark. It's not her he's asking. ]
[ Michael Burnham has selectively chosen which lessons to keep from the culture, but this one she took directly to heart: Vulcans don't make the same mistake twice. Pair that with one thing undeniable of Gabriel Lorca: he has never met an opportunity he did not take to his advantage. Two truths, together incompatible, and yet here they are.
If she is afraid, it is only because he holds the unique power to make her afraid. Because she let him take that power for himself. Because she gave it away to him.
It's something she couldn't bring herself to do even for Ash, whom she still loved despite herself. The disbelief in Lorca's voice rings in her ears. He has only understood a fraction of her meaning. If she felt less for him, there would be less to fear. ]
You make it sound trivial. [ Her tone would be best accompanied by an eye roll, but she can't bring herself to make light of her own feelings, even cynically. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2026-02-06 04:13 am (UTC)A shift in the stalemate. [ he decides. Grand is what she expects from him, and it's less pathetic than attempting to share grief with her. She's right: They aren't vulnerable with each other. It's distasteful to both of them. ] But that's something we'd both have to want.
no subject
Date: 2026-02-06 04:27 am (UTC)She inhales deeply, gathering her frazzled energy into some semblance of composure. A long sip from her nearly forgotten wine glass stretches the tense silence. ]
You think it's only because of you that this is difficult for me. [ A slow, miserable shake of her head. ] Ask me what happened the last time I tried this.
no subject
Date: 2026-02-15 05:37 am (UTC)So he'll bite. ]
What happened? [ A dry cant of his head, a rise of curiosity in his flat affect. ]
cw gory sci-fi surgery
Date: 2026-02-16 12:13 am (UTC)I had never been in love before Ash. [ Her eyes want to cast down, to stare at her hands or the inside of her glass. She forces her gaze to remain trained on Lorca. ] I leaned on him most when we were over there. In your universe. I hoped that we would keep each other sane. [ A bitter flinch of a smile, there and gone. ] The Klingons wanted to infiltrate Discovery. It was a radical procedure, the first of its kind. Klingon bones shaved down to human size. The face and psyche of a Starfleet prisoner-of-war grafted on to a Klingon host.
[ She watches his face closely, waiting for any sign that her words have sunken in. ]
no subject
Date: 2026-02-16 02:24 am (UTC)He braces at the pivot to Klingons. Tyler's trauma rearing its head, he assumes wrongly. The turn she takes pleats his brow; the terminus threatens to fascinate and nonplus him. The mechanics of it have the potential to impress. But it's the emotion that she's trying to communicate. He feels it, intrinsically.
Righteousness, unadorned. Far from the light of Federation idealism.
He used her.
He used them both. ]
And when the Klingon woke up?
cw choking
Date: 2026-02-16 05:50 am (UTC)She wipes her tears away and opens her eyes again. ]
He tried to kill me. It was — [ The moment flashes aggressively before her eyes. She feels the hand around her neck as if it never left. Weeks ago, she forgave Lorca immediately when they woke together without the benefit of memory. ] — it left a mark. When we returned to my universe, the Klingon was excised. But I couldn't get past it.
[ She makes eye contact here, imploring Lorca to understand what she means. ] I never gave him a second chance.
no subject
Date: 2026-02-16 06:29 am (UTC)He's known it all along. It occurs to him suddenly what it really means. ]
You're afraid.
[ Bemusement clings to the pinch of his nose. There's an undertone of disbelief to his voice, a question posed without a question mark. It's not her he's asking. ]
no subject
Date: 2026-02-16 08:47 pm (UTC)If she is afraid, it is only because he holds the unique power to make her afraid. Because she let him take that power for himself. Because she gave it away to him.
It's something she couldn't bring herself to do even for Ash, whom she still loved despite herself. The disbelief in Lorca's voice rings in her ears. He has only understood a fraction of her meaning. If she felt less for him, there would be less to fear. ]
You make it sound trivial. [ Her tone would be best accompanied by an eye roll, but she can't bring herself to make light of her own feelings, even cynically. ]